First class: MarySue Madness
by kittenstanley
Summary: Do not take this seriously. this is pure crack randomness, nothing more. I'm new to writing so please no flames, this is supposed to be stupid. written for the lack of first class parodys
1. Then she made me a totes awesome samich

My name is Mary-Sue (I have long black hair and bright blue eyes like all mary-sues do), when I was a little girl I found out I was a mutant. It all happened when I was like 8 or something.

"Hola, mother!" I said, being adorable, as always.

"Hello Mary-Sue!" My mother said while she was dusting of my father's urn.

"Can I have some lunch?" I said being adorable. Again.

"Sure pumpkin-pie!" she said now dusting my father's shrine. Then she made me a totes awesome samich. Then it happened! I took a bite of that samich and I burped…FIRE!

"GET OUT YOU FREAK!" She yelled at the top of her lungs and then fell over and died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled holding my mother's corpse in my tiny adorable 8 yearold arms. Then I ran away!

Now I'm seventeen, roaming the streets of New York, 'cause that's what seventeen year old girls do in 1962. So, I was on my way back from work when some guy with the hottest icy blue eyes I've ever seen tapped me on the shoulder. And then I realized he was like 30, ew. There was a taller older man with him too.

"Come with me if you want to live." The older man said with an Irish-y accent..

"Ok!" I said smiling.

They men put me in a room full of hot guys and pretty girls, but not a pretty as me. The first hot guy was blonde and angsty, the second guy was really tall and shy, and the third was ginger. When I walked into the room the ginger dude said:

"hey, I'm Sean, there is seat right on my lap for you to sit on." He winked.

"OMG, PERV!" I yelled and pointed at the ginger. Then the guys went to look for food. Some girl with black hair asked me:

"So do you like sean?"

"OMG, YES!" I yelled "HES SO SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT!"

"Ew." The other girl who happened to be blonde girl said.

Then the guys came back in.

"SO WHAT CAN EVERYBODY DO!" I yelled.

"I CAN GROW GILLS!" said some dude I hadn't notice yet cause he wasn't hot. Then he put his head in a fishbowl and grew gills. **AN: DUH.**

"AWESOME!" we all yelled.

"I CAN FLY!" the girl with the black hair said as she sprouted wings

"I DO BEILEVE IN FARIES! I DO! I DO!" the blonde girl yelled.

"I CAN YELL AND BREAK GLASS!" Sean said while I drooled over his hotness, then he screamed and broke a window.

"I CAN BECOME OTHER PEOPLE!" The blonde girl said turning into sean.

"I CAN DESTROY STUFF BY HULA HOOPING!" The blonde dude said the ran outside, hula-hooped and destroyed a statue.

"I HAVE BIG FEET!" That other hot guy said. The room went silent, and he stared at his abnormally large feet.

"I CAN BREATHE FIRE!" I yelled, and then burped fire. "NOW, LET'S GET DRUNK!"

And then they got drunk. **AN: double duh.**


	2. But we don't have a batcave, Charles

**I do not own x-men first class, marvel and fox do. Though I do own my mary-sue.**

We got very drunk at started dancing on couches and stuff when some stuck up CIA lady came in.

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON IN HERE!"

"NOTHING!" We all yelled at the same time because stuff like that happens in real life all the time

"NO HUGS FOR YOU!" The blue-eyed guy yelled and pointed at the blonde girl.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She yelled.

….

Then they left for Canada or something. So in the mean-time I learned everybody's name.

"My name is Angel." The girl with black hair said.

"My name is Sean, but you girls can call me big daddy." We all groaned.

"My name is dar-"the non-attractive guy was cut off by the blonde girl.

"My name is raven." I scoffed; it was a nice name, but not as pretty as mine.

"My name is Alex!" the blonde dude said hula-hooping.

"I'm hank." The tall guy said staring at his abnormally large feet.

I took a deep breath and said "MYNAMEIS MARY-SUE AMZINGA DEMINTIA LORELI PARIS LONDON FITZHERBERT," I took another breath. "BUTYOUCANCALLMEMARY-SUE!

"Cool." Sean said while I drooled over his hotness, again.

"The other people out there were: Moira, My brother Charles, and some German dude named Erik." Raven said. Then I heard a loud THUD and then several more. We looked out the window to see:

"IT'S RAINING MEN!" I yelled. Then we comedic-ly ran through the halls until a guy with a funny helmet came in.

"WHO WANTS TO KILL THE HUMAN RACE?" he said and angel stepped forward.

"NO WAY, JOSE!" the unattractive guy said.

"I KILL YOU!" the man said and the made the ugly dude implode.

"! NOT WHATS-HIS-FACE!" We all yelled. And then they all left leaving the rest of us in rubble. Did you realize rubble is a funny word? Rubble. Rubble. Rubble. Rubble. Ha! Oh! Yeah! Sorry, forgot about the story. I'll just skip to the next morning.

….

"Where do we go now?" I asked, being amazing.

"TO THE BATCAVE!" Charles said.

"But we don't have a batcave, Charles." Raven interjected.

"THEN TO THE MANSION!"


	3. Y U NO

**SORRY IT KEPT MESSING UP! I put the disclaimer in the last chap. This fic is dedicated to my friend Mary who fangirled with me about James Mcavoy, and to Katie for when we were watching the film she pointed to Sean and said "he's hot." Also to 54 for being such a great writer/reviewer and generally a good person to talk to.**

* * *

><p>We arrived at the mansion around 9 in the afternoon.<p>

"What do you guys think?" Raven asked flipping her hair.

"I wanted a batcave…" Charles murmured.

"Y U NO LIKE OUR MANSION CHARLIE?" Raven screamed.

"Y U NO SCOTTISH, MORIA?" he said, changing the subject.

"Y U NO HANDSOME IN THE FUTURE, CHARLES?" Moira said.

"Y U NO AWESOME, LIKE ME?" Erik said to Moira.

"Y U NO SHUT UP!" I yelled. "NOW LET'S HAVE A MONTAGE!"

….

_ALEX'S TRAINING._

"Ok, Alex, try not to blow up this room." Charles said and locked Alex in the bunker.

_Five minutes later…_

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ALEX?"

….

_SEAN'S TRAINING._

"OK! JUST SCREAM AND BREAK THAT WINDOW IN 3...2…"

Charles was cut off by Sean screaming: "AHH!"

"GOD, SEAN! WAIT UNTIL I GET TO ONE! IT GOES 3, 2, 1-"

Sean screamed again.

….

_HANK'S TRAINING._

"Take your shoes off and let's run." Charles instructed Hank.

"But the gravel hurts-"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Fine." Hank ran the whole lap in 15 seconds.

"See Hank, your feet can be used for good!"

"DO YOU WANNA SEE ME RUN TO THAT SATELLITE AND BACK?" Hank flinched "DO YOU WANNA SEE ME DO IT AGAIN?"

That's when Charles face-palmed.

….

_ERIK'S TRAINING._

"MOVE THE SATELLITE!" Charles instructed Erik as if he were a child.

"NO!" Erik stomped his foot and pouted.

"What if I gave you," he paused "A beautiful childhood memory?"

"YAY!" Erik happily accepted and moved the satellite.

"Good boy!"

….

_MARY-SUE'S TRAINING _

I breathed fire perfectly on all of my targets. I was on my last target when Charles said:

"OMG!"

"WHAT?"

"YOU HAVE A SECOND MUTATION!"

"WHAT IS IT?"

"IT'S…." He Paused. "AWESOMENESS."

"OH, I ALREADY KNEW THAT."

….

_SEAN'S TRAINING PART 2._

"Sean, I'm going to push you off this satellite." Erik said and proceeded to do so.

"AHH!" Sean screamed while plummeting towards the trees, thankfully his mutation saved him and he flew like a bird. He landed smoothly on the green near me; I ran up to him and said:

"THAT WAS AMAZING SEAN! DO YOU WANNA MAKE OUT?"

And so we did.

* * *

><p><strong>That's all for today and tomorrow!<strong>


	4. Furry Scientist

**I just needed to write something. Thanks **_**NIGHTCRAWLERIS SO FREAKIN HOT **_**for the nice review. And thanks too **_**katieeeee, **_**thanks girl. Also can someone tell me what **_**profanity filter is?**_

…**.**

"YO, PEEPS! ZE PRESIDENT BOUT TO MAKE HIS SPEACH!" Moira said, completely ooc.

We all walked up into the house, took our seats and turned on the TV. I zoned out thinking about rainbows, ponies, and butterflies, while the rest of them stared at the President in horror. I looked up at the president to hear a thick Boston accent say:

"…Missiles in Cuba…"

"Cuber!" I laughed.

The whole room glared at me.

"This is the President!" Moira said.

"This is very serious." Alex Added.

"I'm very high right now." Sean said with no prompt.

"We leave for Cuba tomorrow!" Charles said, heroically.

….

_Break up number 1._

"BUT, HANK, YOU SO PRETTYFUL! WHY DO YOU WANT SMALLER FEET?" Raven asked Hank.

"BECAUSE YOU UGLY WHEN YOUS BLUE!" He stormed off with a syringe full of anti-mutant-y stuff. Then he plunged it into his abnormally large foot.

I walked by the lab to hear crashing and banging, I Stopped and asked: "Hank, you ok?"

"Totes fine!" He yelled then howled.

I shrugged and kept going.

….

_Costumes._

"But I don't look good in yellow!" I whined.

"HANK WORKED HARD ON THESE! YOU MUST WHERE THEM!" Erik yelled

"ok!"

…..

_Hank._

"Hank are you here?" Raven asked, being blue

"I'm here." He said walking out of the shadows. It seemed that overnight he had become a….

"FURRY SCIENTIST!" I yelled, dramatically.

"IT'S SO FLUFFY, I'M GONNA DIE!" Raven yelled.

…..

_TO BE CONTINUED._


	5. Deflect of awesomeness

**So sorry guys! I've been really busy!**

**Random thought time: **

**I don't know why, but I love to make Erik act like a small child.**

**There is a mean girls reference, a scott pilgrim reference, and a 30 rock reference, let's see if you guys can find them.**

**Would not have been able to write this chapter without the music of metric and kate nash.**

**I have found the ultimate x-men first class mary-sue fic. It's called long way to happy. Apologies to the author of it.**

**I love the pairing Sean/Moira, yet no one has written a single fic about them! I am also intrigued by Charles/Raven for some reason. So here's the deal, if one of my amazing readers writes me a cute or funny fic about either pairing…I WILL WRITE BONUS CHAPTERS! OR MAYBE EVEN A SEQUAL! So, pretty please people.**

**Enjoy!**

…**.**

"If that ship crosses the line," Charles said gravely. We were in the plane now and very close to Cuba. Most of the Russians had retreated. Except for one, we were trying to stop it, but it kept going. "We're doomed!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone except Charles yelled.

"What do we do now?" I asked, pouting and widening my eyes.

"I have an idea!" A light bulb appeared over Charles' head.

"How did you do that?" Sean asked quietly as the light bulb disappeared. Then Charles put his fingers to his temple and a few seconds later, the ship exploded. With that, we all cheered and hollered.

"You go, Glen Coco!" Raven yelled.

"Partyin', partyin', yeah!" I added.

"WOO!" Alex cheered.

"Ok, that's enough!" Erik said, crossing his arms and pouting.

…

_Sonar Sean_

"Okay, peoples!" Charles said. "We need to find the submarine."

"But we don't have sonar!" Hank interjected.

"YES WE DO!" Sean yelled and Hank grinned like a furry idiot.

"That's my boy!" I yelled toward Sean. Charles, Sean, and Erik stoop up and asked Hank to open the hatch. Erik stepped forward to make sure Sean's Wing thingies were secure.

"STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Sean exclaimed. Erik stepped back with his hands in the air. And that's when Sean jumped out of the plane and screamed.

"Weez found him peeps!" Charles said triumphantly.

…

_Alex vs. Angel_

"AH! Stop spitting at me!" Alex yelled.

"No way, Jose!" Angel kept spitting.

"What do I do!"

"Kick her in the balls!" yelled Sean who happened to be flying by.

…

_Shaw Puppet_

"Hey, Charles," Erik said, raising a dead Shaw in the air. "I got you something!"

"Erik!" Charles yelled, completely astonished. "What did I tell you!"

Erik looked at his feet. "Don't use dead people as puppets."

"Exactly!" Charles lifted one finger and shook it, as if to scold Erik.

Erik dropped Shaw and put on his usual pout.

…

_Look At Charles, Now Back To Me, Mary-Sue OR Break-Up No. 2_

I jumped out of the plane a few minutes after Sean and my awesomeness carried to the shore. In that time I avoided a flying submarine, watched Angel try to kill some people, and punched Azazel in the face. I really didn't care though; and I didn't want to mess up my hair. I was also waiting for Sean to show up.

It took fifteen minutes for Sean to show up. I yelled at him.

"Where have you been?"

"Huh?"

"We are so over!"

"What?"

…..

_The Final Break-Up_

"Kill all humans!" Erik yelled, sending missiles towards the humans. I couldn't help but admire his evilness.

"DIE YOU EVIL GERMAN CROTCH-BLOCK!" Moira fired bullets at Erik.

"Deflect of awesomeness!" Erik deflected the bullet, right into Charles's spine.

"No!" He ran to Charles's side. "Are you ok?"

"I'll be fi-"

"Good! Because I'm leaving and taking your sister with me!"

"Wait. What? Are you breaking up with me!"

"Maybe." Erik said. "Maybe not."

"That's not a real answer!"

"Who cares?" Erik stood up while Raven limped towards him. He grabbed her hand and asked. "Anyone else coming?"

"Twist!" I yelled and grabbed his hand.

The hellfire club, Erik, Raven, and I poof-ed away into awesomeness.

THE END. (or is it?)


End file.
